Farmsitters (Just Whose Expectations Are Too High Here?)

Summer is on the horizon, and that means yet another attempt to take a vacation from the farm and visit family in Mexico.

Due to a string of circumstances beyond our control - well, not exactly beyond our control - well okay, let's just start over. Due to a string of circumstances totally brought on by our own laziness, lack of foresight, and disorganization, we have not visited Mexico in well over three years. We have bought tickets, we have packed our bags, we have even arrived at the airport. But we have not gone (see Adios, Snow!, and I Spoke Too Soon.).

Hope and Paloma have basically no memory at all of Oaxaca or Abuelita's house, or of any of their cousins. Their Spanish is spotty and pretty much all receptive. They know diddley-squat about the land their father comes from and the way people live there. Typical American kids, in other words. That's not our vision for them. We want them to grow up not only bilingual, but bicultural. A couple of weeks every other year is not the way to accomplish that goal, but it's the best we can do for now. At least they need to know their relatives better.

So, planning for leaving the farm is underway. I put an ad on Craigslist looking for a farm sitter which I thought was pretty straightforward and laid it all out pretty neatly. Here it is:

Hello all:

My family will be traveling for two weeks this summer and we are in need of a responsible, conscientious individual or family to stay in our home and take care of our diverse crew of critters. Staying in the home is essential - we have three milk goats who will need to be milked twice a day. If not milked every twelve hours they will be in great pain and might even get mastitis and die. So, if you are not willing to stay here, please don't bother to write.

Please DO write if you:

- know how to milk goats
- like dogs (2, a collie and a whippet mix)
- would enjoy a "staycation" in a large, comfortable house with a spectacular view, high speed internet, satellite TV, and really cool play equipment for kids
- have references
- want to make some money this summer

Responsible teenagers with good references will be considered. In the interest of full disclosure, here is a list of our animals:

-four goats, three of whom will need to be milked twice daily

-two ponies, out on pasture, no need to feed
-bunch of chickens - somewhere around fifteen or twenty - not much work
-two friendly but rather large dogs
- one cat who you might not even see
- two hives full of bees. No beekeeping required. Just leave them alone and they'll leave you alone.

Realistically, I expect that you could expect to spend about an hour to an hour and half a day tending to everything that needs trending. Pay to be negotiated when we speak. Oh but hey - perks include twelve to fifteen eggs a day and a gallon or two of milk!

Thanks for looking!

That's clear, isn't it? The response has been overwhelming, I've received somewhere in the vicinity of a hundred calls. Of these, only three people say they have milked a goat a before. Everyone else says they can learn fast! Many people have asked if they REALLY need to stay in the house (yes you REALLY do). Several people call and the first thing out of their mouths is "what does it pay?" before they even let me ask them if they've ever milked a goat.

I have interviewed two of the three responders who say they have milked goats before. The first response came from a young gay couple who owned a share in a milk goat through a cooperative. So they have milked goats, but never cared for them. Odd. The farm part of the interview went well. I ran them through the routine, showed them where everything is kept, met all the animals, etc, etc. They seemed capable enough, if a bit nervous, perhaps. But when we went into the house, I could see it wasn't going to work.

I'm not sure what they were expecting, but it clearly wasn't my old farmhouse, which is nice but not - let's be real - going to grace the cover of house beautiful anytime soon. Or ever. Neither will I be receiving the housekeeper of the year award from Martha Stewart's own hand, ever.

Perhaps my ad was misleading. We do indeed have a spectacular view (you can see it on the sidebar - see?)

high speed internet, and satellite TV. There is indeed some awesome play equipment for kids. The house is large and comfortable. But comfortable like a worn shoe, not like a five star hotel.

Perhaps I should amend the ad, and add something along the lines of "This is not a bed and breakfast, it is a working farmhouse. It is not the kind of place you would ordinarily pay $150/night to stay in. It is the kind of place I will pay YOU $20 or $30/night to stay in: that's the point of this ad. The carpet is shot and a couple of the closets smell faintly of cat pee. If this is news to you, you probably don't have much real farm experience and should look on the next ad. If you are busting a gut laughing right now, you should call me for sure."